stumble and fall

what is this. the pain is so intense that it is burning in my throat. i usually get this feeling when my mum cried. but this time, it is due to my under-achievement, brought about by oockiness and pure lazyness. the same feeling, but different circumstances, as the time i failed my english in primary 3.

i thought i have made clear to myself (and everyone around) that this semester is not important as long as i passed everything and get my first class honours. but deep inside, the 'real' me is coaxing me onto a totally different path. two forces pulling me in two different directions. and the outcome is me being torn apart to the verge of breaking down when i saw how badly i have done in the exam.

the first class honours didnt cheer me up at all. i already know i will get it. it is just a matter of how well i will do. all these years i have keep a record of DN and HD in all of my core subject. and now, seeing two CRs in just one semester really have hurt me deep.

wtf, u might say. it is not that disastrous to get a CR or two. many others are praying hard just to pass the course. but i'm not them. with my record, ppl expects sth from me. the pain pierce right through my body as i fell from the sky-high expectations from myself and all of everyone else.

sometimes i ask why have i tried so hard building such a demanding track record? perhaps it might be easier being a nobody.

once again, i found myself with no one to turn to. have i brought this upon myself or is it just fate. in front of my family i always put on a brave front. i never like to share with them my bitter memories, just so that they have one less thing to worry about. in front of my friends, i never share my stories bcos they are... complicated. i wish i can share, but i think everyone will be happier not hearing them.

i'm sorry that you have to put up with all these bitching again. i hope i can try sth more light hearted next time.

moving on

there arent a lot of things to settle. they are just tedious to get done. so much so that i just dont feel like doing it.

demon jay zodiac

i was never a fan of jay (and still isnt), particularly in the earlier years when 忍者, 双节棍 and 龙拳 were popular. then, i thought i'll never find his songs in my frequently-played playlist. but now i think i'm being 'held captive' by three seriously-catchy songs from his latest album: 流浪诗人, 乔克叔叔 and 稻香.

gdi.

to-do-list

1. book accomodation at blue mountain and canberra
2. sell all my oakley sunnies on ebay (check it out!)
3. pack my room
4. arrange for removals
5. get new specs
6. get new orthotics
7. book dental appointment
8. prepare post-course report
9. post-out form

wrapping up

i cant say i have put in 100% this session. well, i didnt intend to since i already have my first class in the bag. all i was looking for was a well-deserved rest and some time to prepare for the next chapter of my life.

during these four and half years, i had my fair share of joy, freedom and life experiences. just two more check points to go before i conclude my time here in the wonderland. the time has come for me to wrap things up and pay back what i have been granted and bestowed. some can be repaid; other will need lots of patience and time.

30-page thesis

this will be the largest piece of work that i have ever done. it just hit 8,000 words and i'm only half way through the page limit... i also havent put in appendixes

i've got till early next week to finish up my first (and only) draft. its going to be a sad sad weekend.

cheong ah!!!!!!!!!!!

illed

my observations tell me that we tend to be more polite and ironically more friendly to hi-bye friends. we may be so concerned with how we present ourselves in front of them that we tend to treat them better than any one else.

is that why closer-friends dont even care about courtesy call to mark their first meeting each day? oh no... dont get me wrong, that's not my main point. that would be way too petty. there are more to it which i'll leave it to next time.

at the moment i've to focus on picking up the slack. not bcos of me being lazy, but of an untimely illness that bugged me last week.

perfectly random, perfect

well, it has been a while. thot i should revive my blogging habit with sth really random.

L ! \/ m Y says:
   hello
 
paulo alexandre says:
   hello pai ki
 
L ! \/ m Y says:
   pai ki?
 
paulo alexandre says:
   não seicm mas entrei
 
L ! \/ m Y says:
   hmm...
   i'm sorry i cant understand that
 
paulo alexandre says:
   se num ensna tão mexo
   you dont understand, but i need. have a new mss
   what do you do, the fernando dont is here.
 
L ! \/ m Y says:
   how did you get my msn
 
paulo alexandre says:
   well i dont know.
   write to my e-mail, to envoyce new image.
   dont speaks???
 
L ! \/ m Y says:
   i cant understand that
 
paulo alexandre says:
   then, i say goodbye.....
 
L ! \/ m Y says:
   that's fine then. nice talking to you.
   good bye
 
paulo alexandre says:
   where are you go on?
 
L ! \/ m Y says:
   i thought that was good bye
 
paulo alexandre says:
   no please, im sorry for you complication, im here to stand.
 
L ! \/ m Y says:
   ???
 
paulo alexandre says:
   you are crazy???
   isto é uma brincadeira, falta do que fazer.....
 
L ! \/ m Y says:
   i dont know what you just said but i hope it's not any thing bad
 
paulo alexandre says:
   who is you?
   my sun?
 
L ! \/ m Y says:
   sun? no. moon perhaps
 
paulo alexandre says:
   by.
 
L ! \/ m Y says:
   sure, make it happen this time.
   bye.

wth.

piece of cake?

is it that easy to break world record? seems like it to me.

breaking record by a fraction of a second was most often heard. but what is going on now? records were smashed by a large margin and to make things more incredible, there are cases where the top three winners were all within record time!

better technology? better training? smaller pool? jia-yo? mutation? beats me.

ao lin bi ke

here we go.

sorry tv, u'll have to work OT for the next few weeks.

awakened

i feel really terrible right now. simply bcos i've been playing too much.

i promise my supervisor quite a number of things which i would complete by the end of this weekend for my thesis. but nothing seems to work out right. i played games, watched movies/tv series, procrastinate and all sort of nonsense just to get out of work... and today playing MJ the whole afternoon and went drinking with my mates at night. sigh... i'm feeling really terrible for having done all that now.

perhaps it is time to wake up and actually do something constructive...

rejuvenated

yet again i have neglected my blogg.

come to think of it my life aint that un-interesting. conversely since my last post, a lot has happened. i'm either too busy or too lazy to pen them down. well, pardon me, i was never good at keeping diary (thus the name of this place -- sth-random).

anyway, i just got back from a holiday trip, travelling over 1200km and crossing 3 states in australia with JC and Benson -- a trio combination that would never have crossed my mind. along the way, we were greated with picturesque rocky shores and awed by the beauties of nature. at times we were challenged by situations where inpromptu decisions were required. along with these events comes a whole new flavour in the overall experience of the trip. i must say, this is by far the best holiday i've had during my time in australia.

holiday is over (once again) and i'm now embarking on the final phase of my university life. yes final semester!

but i'm confronted with a new and yet stupid dilemma: my results are good enough for top honours as long as i pass all the remaining courses. call me nerd, geek whatever or curse me if you want i dont care.

that has been the plan all these time: i slogged hard for the first three years so that i can slacken off in my final year.

but now, my other self is fighting stongly against the idea as it defies the very principle that i've held firmly to.

offline

i couldnt believe how dependant i was on the internet until the network was down for the past 10 days.

it is true i may have more time for myself, but i think i had too much that i have no idea what to do.

finally the internet is back again.

blind

i am no saint and i dont expect myself to be a perfect friend or companion. but at least i tried.

i was kind. but my kindness was seldom reciprocated. i know a good deed isnt a good one if you are asking for sth in return. but the fact is that you took my kindness for granted. u never saw the kindness, but instead you shoot me down with your seemingly-innocent-but-hurtful comments.

i have decided to give up. you like running your own routine, so be it. i'll let you have yours, and i'll have my way. i'll try no more explanation or exercise any patience.

the nudge

i got this from a msn webpage which i chance upon, explaining messenger etiqutte.

When it's OK to nudge
When you're being ignored. Just when you think the conversation is really getting interesting, you hit a road block. Apparently the person on the other end has redirected their attention to online gaming and is no longer paying attention to you, or they've just plain left you hanging in mid-conversation. This is when the 'frustration' nudge comes in handy. You don't look needy, but you get your point across.

When you don't have a comeback. Think about it, what will your friend say after a nudge? They don't really have anything to respond to, do they???

When it's NOT OK to nudge
Never, and let me repeat, NEVER, start a Messenger conversation with a nudge. If you want to get on someone's nerves straight from the get go, this is a great way to accomplish your goal. If you have nothing to say, why bother?

The nudge is a privilege, not a right. If you abuse it, you hurt all of us that are following the, until now, unstated nudging rules. 5 nudges in a row, not cool. It's not the same as a smiley face emoticon, which can be used all day if you want. A nudge shakes the Messenger window, people - it's understandable that if used again and again simultaneously, it could become annoying and may actually cause your friends to go a bit insane.

if you didnt know the reason why i have my nudges turned off, i hope you know it now. so next time when you start a conversation with me, dont just click that button. the sound may be off, but the idea that you are nudging to get me to talk to you annoys me too.

a fresh start

the break is coming to an end. but i'm not particularly upset at all. on contrary i am actually looking forward to the starting school once again.

sudenly i feel a need for a helthy lifestyle. one that exercise regularly, no last minute work and less junkie. i dont know how long the plan would last, but i'm gonna give it a shot.

clouded

some ppl may choose to get drunk, hoping a solution will find its way to them the next day. others may try to avoid it totally, dreaming that time will do its magic for them again.

i was given a break and i took it. but i'm not taking this opportunity to bury my head under the earth. i know it wont work. i just needed some time to unwind, some time to swim out of the murky water just before the break is over.

credulous

do i really look that gullible?

keeping quiet and appearing oblivious, doesnt mean i'm unaware.

in fact, i can see them quite clearly. just that i choose not to respond.

i prefer to think about the good side of ppl... hoping guilt and self-concious would show them the right way.

dont proof me wrong again.

fair?

i'm on the verge of breaking down every time i think about the burden that i carry. but just before tears could find their way down my cheeks, two words came to my mind: responsibility and repercussion.

things are done the way they are not bcos i like it that way. instead, i have to include the big picture together with a long time constant into the equation. the outcome may not be particularly fitting to my desire, but it warrants a less detrimental end state.

one quote i particularly like came from one of jet li's show and it has been an excellent motivation: 活着绝对不是一个人的事.

VMT

very much thanks

lighted, now sharing

fresh and hot from the oven!













none of those, if you're looking for other things

leopard spots

i'm in a really bad mood recently.

a lot of reasons behind that. academic stress is probably one of them.

at a low-stress level, i would find myself not wanting to speak much. low-stress is usually due to problems that are still within my limits. and so it really pisses me off when i find myself taking more time than required to resolve it.

high-stress level involves stuffs that are way outta my league. and when that happens, i get really eccentric and you can trust me to do unexpected things just to get that load off my head.

this is an old habit from as far as i can remember. well, it probably doesnt help with the problem, but it does help keep my sanity in check.

feat

i dont remember myself playing four different games on my PC in a month. of course, not counting freecell, solitaire, hearts and minesweeper.

within this short period of time, i have been introduced to four different engineering software which i'm expected to be competent with in the next couple of weeks.

isnt it sux to be an engineer some times.

murphy's law

problems in zimbawee and nepal with their elections, the breaking of antarctic ice, the rising food (rice) price, inflation, and of course tibet and the olympic torch relay...

this world seems so f up and it's going from bad to worst. or perhaps watching bbc news while doing my homework wasnt a good idea after all.

the music

i've this big problem in my life, which i have been trying to avoid.

i know i have to face it some how.

but i dont know how.

puppet

i seriously believe my life is being controlled by some unknown greater force. probably laughing at every misfortune that i was manipulated into.

if life is fair, why do i keep falling flat down onto the dirt track? and before i even tried to stand up and brush it off, i'm probably choked on the sand and coughing my lungs off...

what's new

a new layout - there has been a lack of interest in blogging since the year started. my poor 56k internet connection was partly to blame. and also my busy schedule with attachment, thesis and personal admin. now that i've changed the layout (sth which i wanted to do long ago, i got really sick of the dots), i hope it can shower me with more inspiration and blessing. er... i'm not sure what magic this brownish black layout can do, i'll just be crossing my fingers.

a new title - another reason for the lack of activity: i'm always holding back on what i want to put up here. should i be more personal? or perhaps technical stuffs about my studies and work? funny? or even cool factor? whatever... perhaps, the better way to go round this barrier is to be random. yes random posts of random ideas and thoughts at random times it is.

a new room - just a little update about my status in aussie: finished 3 years of trg and aca, now into my final 4th year, focusing purely on studies and thesis. moved into a new place, crowded with more freedom, time and booze. too bad there isnt much money available. isnt that sux. few years down the road when i have more money, i doubt time and freedom still want to befriend any more :(

alright that's all for now.

shit easter

shit shit shit