december

omg... what a happening month!

向左 向右 向前看

我爱的人，不是我的爱人。

爱我的人，是别人的爱人。

broken

totally.


------------------------

how does one know he is heading the right direction?

the lobby

i was there. alone.

but i had a lot of realisation, about she, her and stuff.

she was great, best ever. i dont think i can change she; i can only support she in wherever i can. i'm sorry to say this, but she is every thing i dont want to be either.

with this realisation, i took the initiative, and make up the differences with her. i have not receive her forgiveness yet, but i tried my best to dissolve the grudges between us. i hope i did.

the stuff was nvr a problem... all i need was a peace of mind. despite not being able to concentrate over the past few days, i was glad there were ripples in my life. i never like stuff.


------------------------------------------
3 Dec 10
0800

this is puzzling... she still get why i was so damn upset the other day.

soledad

I began the climb up the mountain a year back. I know the journey is gg to be long & arduous but I was prepared for it.

in order to better myself, I took a pit stop for some training. I woke up one fine day, ten weeks later, only to realise a divine intervention brought me back to the foot again, but somewhere unfamiliar. now I'm expected to climb twice the height I last achieved in the shortest time possible, preferably within a month!

I plan to cruise thru my Dec; enjoy a great break, esp over Christmas, before starting 2011. but looking at my schedule today, I realised I'm so screwed. and coupled with recent unhappiness, I don't know if I cld pull thru the month unscath. how I wish I cld just gave up.

I'm sorry, I came back here with more sorrows. emo is not in my blood. it's just tt I'm really stressed out by the sudden influx of uncertainties in family, friendship & work.

我想 我等 我期待

ever since fb started, blogg and livejournal seems to have died off. no one talks about it any more. i'm not visiting my frens' sites as frequent as i used to be, and vice versa.

i just clicked through the links that i have, most of them died between 2008 and 2009, the sites i mean. those that are still up & running either have posts complaining about the lack of time or discipline to maintain the page. or like mine... the sites become a dumping ground for emotions that no one in our fren-list in fb wants to hear.

i never had new year resolution. but i have plan to start one for 2011. from now till the last day of 2010, i will slowly come up with a list of things i need to achieve for 2011. my first will be: i must rmb to post happy stuffs on my blogg!

why the change suddenly? was it bcos have i found my purpose in life? nope, not yet. but life still goes on. i have to keep my life running well and fruitful, so that it will be ready on the day i finally find the 'point of singularity'.

la-yang

over the weekend, i was already upset enough over the lost of a friend. then when my mum told me that, i almost cried.

since i got home, she told me a lot about her past, for the first time. she started calling relatives we lost contact with for quite a while. this is very worrying.

i havent been a perfect son she wished i wld be.

sitting at the audit today, my thots ran wild...

it's not real freedom when u cut off tt string. a kite needs tt connection, however fine it maybe, to remain gracefully in flight. without it, she wld just b blown away, with an almost certain outcome...lost.

real freedom comes when u've proven competent to take over as e kite-flyer, of ur own kite. but don't wander too far off, cos it's almost time u help fly ur predecessor's.

fml

my mum just told me sth disturbing. my heart sank...

great. my life cant be more exciting.

protect

i have hid a post and edited the last three to protect privacy.

closure

why did i say u are so full of urself? if u didnt notice, u have a listening problem and in our usual conversation, it's usually i-me-myself coming from u. u told me your stories, your displeasure at work and your happy times with ur loves. i'm sincerely grateful for all that sharing. soon enough, i begin to open up. i dont usually do cos i felt vulnerable doing so. but your friendliness was very encouraging. i even began telling u stuffs i have never told anyone, perhaps only on my blogg. i'm thankful for the times u paid attention. but did u realise that there were many more times u didnt? usually when i was interrupted by someone, something or ur interject, i never got a chance to come back to my story. i left it dangling and u never did ask me to continue.

that night at butter, we lost everyone in bump and u followed me out. i said i wld send u home and then i wld head somewhere else, shanghai dolly, there after. i was caught off-guard when u said u wanted to join me. that was okay, we waited for the taxi and my intention was to bring u home anyway. the taxi came, i hop in but all of the sudden u decide not to get in. u said u want to go find C and he will send u home. okay... i got out of the taxi, hoping to talk things out with you.

i didnt really want to go shanghai dolly, it was just an excuse for me to chill off some place first before i make my way home. i didnt want the tragic that happen at home last friday to happen again. i even told u what happen; u are the only one who knew. u didnt take it. we talk so long along the river. i was on the verge of begging. my request was simply: let's not go back C, i'll send u home, so that the story can end there and then.

in the midst of our heated discussion, C called me but i refused to tell him where i was but i told him that i wld bring u home.

i really didnt want to see him. i dont want to explain why i refuse to tell him where we were. i dont want to explain why i dont want to share a cab with his fren heading to tampines. i knew there will be more explanation as to why i'm not planning to go home yet. i hate explanation. i dont wish to lie either.

everyone wear a mask. there's a side of me which i want to protect from everyone else. i get wasted and sometimes ppl see me do stupid stuffs. i am okay with that. my mask is not meant to cover my stupidity. i enjoy sharing my stupidity with ppl and enjoy a great laugh over it. my mask protect my family problems from most friends, especially my colleagues. C and gang were nvr more than just colleagues.

my mask protects my honour and pride. i came from a complicated family with an incomplete love. i fear to be seen weak, desperate and pathetic. so it's a mask of a gentleman-who-knows-how-to-have-crazy-fun that i put on. i dont mind my close frens peeping behind my mask, once in a while. i understand their concern, but i dont wish to burden them with my problem too. trust me, my problems are way beyond our generation to handle. but within my work space, i held tight to my mask and i staged my character with a lot of thought, so that i dont have to lie and yet protect my life. u broke the mask; u tore down my stage.

"I want to go shanghai dolly with u"
"I am very sleepy, I want to go home"
"I want to go see C now"
"are u gg to break our promise to send ME home?"
and your parting words... "dont do this to ME now"

why did u throw me to one corner and make me choose between my promise of sending u home and going back to C which will jeopardise the things i tried hard to conceal?

why is it just i-me-myself even after i pleaded naked without my mask on? it hurts. i'm glad u said i'm a "friend that matter", but why didnt i receive the treatment even an acquaintance deserve? as far as i recall, i have been quite a selfless person to all my frens, esp u. it was a simple request.

i dont know what u whispered to them when we were there, but u shld have heard the tone and seen the look of mistrust, is-he-drunk, what-the-fuck-is-this-guy-trying-to, that's-pathetic, from C, H and frens. i felt naked. but i smiled and swallowed my pride. i announced i wont be going back yet, but u came up to me, grab my arms and said "dont do this to ME now".

ouch... what have i not done enough???

ur parting words sliced me apart. sorry, i dont know how i can take drunk as an excuse. i also rmb hearing u said u arent drunk... so which is true? or just full of urself?

i tried to convince myself to forgive. i really dont wish for us to fell out just like that. i am very afraid i wld live to regret this day. but i also cant imagine how i can go out with u, C and H without feeling all shit ever again. am i being stupid? childish or egoistic?

thanks for the friendship, fun and joy. i truly treasured the time spent together, otherwise i wldnt have been so upset.

i'm hoping this spill can finally put my mind at ease...


===========================================

my ears were unusually warm the whole day.

i shldnt have, but i drove to ecp and walked for 2 hours hoping the sea breeze wld cool them.

i asked myself if i shld fill her in. i know it's unfair, but i realise it wldnt change my views, and others of me. so i chose not to.

could u ever separate them again once u add milk to tea?

let this be the last day of my dejectedness.

oei... this is not funny

i only slept for an hour since i got home. kept awake by sorrow.

i only fed on two pieces of bak kwa today. simply dont have the appetite to eat.

i thot an afternoon of series-chasing wld take my mind off. until smallville played this song in the background. someone up there does have a sense of humour.

and then my property agent came to my hse. why did she has to wear a blouse of that colour?

and then my mom showed me a packet of dried jasmine flower she bought this morning O.O



i tried to be fair and recount the incident again. i know she was piss drunk. she even kissed me, which i quickly and politely push away cos i really dont want to start on something both of us cant finish, at least not under that state of consciousness. she text me to say she was sorry. this is the first time she apologize. but it was under the pretext that she cldnt rmb what she did or say.

can i accept this?

i wld have. i dont mind the humble pie. but there are things i hold dear; things i fought hard to achieve; things i will die to protect. she put them in jeopardy. i really dont know how to forgive this.

茉莉花

==============================
27 Nov 10, 0200-0530
butter

I think this is it.

I sent her this: 'I don't think u can register it nw, but when u do...
u are just so full of urself. This is the second time I'm so upset, & I guess it shld b the last. I told u five times tt I can't afford to go back nw & tt any explanation won't serve it's purpose. Good night & good bye.'

I apologie if u feel wtf after reading this... that i'm just being ridiculous.

I came tonight cos I was high & had no where else to go. But well, I must admit, upon hearing tt she was gg all beer tonight I was worried sick. I cared... perhaps I shldnt have.

U may think it was a bgr thing, but I was all good and surprisingly gentlemanly when Daniel & Collin hit on her. I even take on e blame frm tt ridiculous melvyn tang, which was really WTF, but anyway I suck it up & I was totally fine it. on e contrary, I felt bad & compelled to look after her as a fren... esp after she 'merlion'.

she told me her story at e Lobby last time. I didn't ask beyond what she wanted to say. I respect hers cos I had mine too. Today, I REQUESTED to keep mine down, many times. I was on the verge of begging and crying. But WTF, I felt totally betrayed.

Let me tell you a secret: NEVER in my life have I left myself so venerable. I thot I was ready for a soul mate... I told her stuff, but now... I'm left feeling completely miserable over her betrayal.

Perhaps I was selfish with tt request. But I have been selfless. Am I wrong to request for tt very one selfish moment? Fuck, yes I was.

I know she weren't quite urself. But so were anyone else around. So was i.

I don't think she rmb what I told her last night; cos she was drunk. But is this a valid excuse? I told her b4, when she was wide awake. I said, all the other 'angers' we had between us were merely teasings and I will only hate 2 types of ppl: liar & back-stabber; she was e latter.

She didn't seem bothered & she didn't care. Perhaps she nvr will. If she did, she wld have took note & wldnt have done wat she did last night. Just for the record, in some of our conversations, I purposely left it open... but she was nvr interested to close it.

Whatever.. this is not impt any more.

it is now 7am; I'm still sitting outside here since she left. if u wanna claim tt I'm drunk-blabbering, so be it.

I just wanna say thank you for the short-lived friendship. I'm seriously hurt & upset, for e second time. But trust me for once, this is ultimate.

it really hurt, but thanks & good bye.


==============================


i wrote this on my mobile calender outside butter. it's a sweet and yet sorrow episode in my life which i dont quite see how i can ever recover from it. perhaps, this entry didnt really explain why, but it really hurts and i really dont know how i can forgive her.

if you are a fren, let's not talk about it when we met. perhaps a lesson learn for whoever is reading... i'm always friendly and easy-going to anyone, even acquaintance. i'm quite impressed with my level of tolerance too. once you are a friend, u have my trust. i'm sorry i cant be as open as i wld want to be. yes i have things to hide, but i mean you no harm. pls treasure the trust, cos it hurts so much to take it back.

i'm stubborn at forgiving. i'm a taurus man.

mood swing

i'm not feeling my best these days.

perhaps some beer would perk me up. anyone?

random things about me (in no particular order)

dont ask me why the sudden urge to have this list... i dont have the answer either. and gosh... i came back almost every now and then to add to the list.

1. my brain is wired differently, so much so that sometimes i think i'm a self-contained-lunatic.
2. if i'm god, the first thing i wld do is to halve the world population... twice. just proving point #1.
3. i believe there is no right or wrong to everything... in fact, anything. 
4. i always wanted an elder-sister.
5. when i was young, i hoped to be dad of three kids by the age of thirty and grandpa before 60. looking at the way things are going, nah... dont think this is happening.
6. i like girls but i will only tell one girl 'i love you'. the day i do so, is the day i know she is the one.
7. i can enjoy doing almost anything, so long as i'm hanging around with the right people.
8. i hate running. so i run very fast so that i can get it over and done with.
9. my vanity index: 10/10. this is what it would be if money is not an issue.
10. three greatest fear of my life (1) crying girl (2) creepy crawlers, esp cockroaches that fly (3) water... more like fear of drowning. i nicknamed them (1) uh-oh (2) 小强 (3) loch ness monster.
11. i hate to involve myself with anything considered popular. i'll wait for the fever to die down first before i pick it up.  
12. my dream job was to be an architect.
13. i'm a perfectionist. i can do sth over and over again 100 times just to get it right once. i hate it but i love it too. 
14. singing emo songs makes me happy. the more emo the better!

little enjoyments

1. day-dreaming at a cafe with a brew and a book
2. sipping on a glass of scotch in ice with music playing in the background
3. spacing out to the sound of waves breaking on the beach
4. plunging into the pool on a sunny day, too bad i have to wear at least a trunk
5. strolling in a downpour, with an umbrella of course!
6. cycling aimlessly until my consciousness reminds me that i maybe too far from home
7. snuggling in bed on a cold day
8. ... ...

direction

I have goals, both family & work. I know what I intend to achieve for my family; I understood where my career aspirations lie. I'm doing well at work. family matters maybe still a bit sticky. everything has been smooth sailing & appears to fall nicely in place. but whenever I ask myself where are all these leading to? I'm lost for word.

I'm still wandering.

I come to realise what I'm still lacking is a purpose. being such a geek, let's call this a point of singularity where all other stuffs just get suck in. it is a point where I can aligned all my actions; a point that makes everything seems so vivid. goals are merely tick-in-the-box if there is no purpose. I have enough of checking boxes... I need a purpose, one that wld allow me call my goals as milestones, that will pave the way to a ultimate end state I long for. is it too late to arrive at such self-realisation? shrugs. I'm glad I still got it in the end.

I set my goals & have been living my life based on a set of principles which I slowly acquired in my life, usually shaped by social stigma, cultural values & family traditions. things get done & accepted. everyone is happy. I am happy too but... I can't be sure if I'm happy tt I did sth I like or bcos everyone else is happy?

yuck...let's stop this here. this is getting a bit emo :p in a nut shell, what I am driving at is I need to find a purpose! I'm doing the bare minimum to get things done. I'm lacking the motivation & inspiration to make breakthroughs. and these have to come frm a sense of purpose! I really need to find one... real soon. anyone know how to go about getting one?

as for my love life, I have no idea where it is getting. don't worry, I'm not gay. I love to love & be loved. I just thot it isn't fair to drag someone into my mess until I'm relatively sorted. but e worrying thing is, I'm not very good at getting to conclusions, despite spending so much brain juices. i either hit dead-end or ended in a infinite loop. perhaps all these logics are wrong... shrugs again. nonetheless for now, I'll just remain passive. I wont seek for love actively, but I'm not going to run away, if love find its way to my heart.

enough lamenting for the day. i shld be focusing in class.

angel and demon

i enjoyed the company, but at the same time i'm doubting the sincerity.

how...?

remorse

i was well-prepared for the day.

i still failed myself, owing to the lack of composure under (the self-imposed) pressure.

darn.

feeling useful

finally, a sense of fulfillment, for once in my career. everyday, there is so much to learn and i'm so eager to know all of it, but too bad i'm limited by my brain capacity. how i wish i have photographic memory to store all that was thought and then digest them at a later time.

i guess i have to put my self-reflection on hold... till i find a better opportunity and time.

where will i be? what will i be doing? what will i have? 5yr from now?

it upset me to see my dept member posted that statement on facebook. it seems to be suggesting that i haven't been doing my job well enough.

this thought is stressing me out... more than the test coming up this thursday.

perhaps she was right. my goal in life should be in ppl development. but am i really up for it, if i dont even have the answers myself?

son

it's so tough to be a good one.

i am angry and frustrated with what she did, but now i am feeling bad and sad for mishandling the situation.

the tougher part now is probably to learn from it and move on...

parting is such sweet sorrow

i cant be sure if it's as sweet as shakespeare put it. this blog has enough evidences of the bitterness i felt in saying goodbye.

this is not the first time. in fact, i believe i have told myself zillions of times not to, but i always fall into the same trap over and over, of getting emotionally attached so easily. i dont care if the feeling is not reciprocated... i just know that parting a place and its people, who i spent exactly 1 year 2 months and a day with, was definitely not an easy feat for me...

sometimes, i think i'm more like a girl than girl. no offence to any lady reading this... i'm just using it as a metaphor :p

some thoughts

i realise i'm starting to open up to others around me.

rationalising, again: have i found the right frens to talk to? am i really looking for answers? or have i simply given up...?

i promise i'll sort myself out someday... soon. a fren reminded me that writing things down is probably the best way to have a second look into your life. hopefully i'll get enough time when i'm ashore to do that.

anyway, thanks for the wonderful night.

-------------

5 Sep 2006
i rmb i told a fren that night that i was a cynic. i thought hard into it and realise i wasnt quite right to say that. on the contrary i believe in 人之初 性本善. i put a lot of faith in the ppl i know and trust. perhaps, sometimes too much... that's why it hurts.

遇见? perhaps, not yet

i havent felt like this for many years. i have a crush on this girl, whom i know for a short period of 2 months. unfortunately the circumstances do not allow me to tell her about my feelings or bring this further. i am writing this down, cos i dont want to forget this warm and yet fuzzy feeling. neither do i want the memories to fade with time. i dont think i'll be able to account this very accurately or beautifully. but i'll try my best. at the very least, i want to tell the future me reading this that there is this one time my heart has fallen... for a right person, but at the wrong time and wrong place.

i had a good first impression of her. she isnt exceptionally beautiful. i'm not really into beautiful girls. in fact, i thot of pretty girls as possible death traps of unhappiness (haha!). i like her simplicity. she is pleasant, more perhaps. i dont think i'll ever get sick of looking at her. her petite size, long hair, double eye lids, general physique and not forgetting her smile, are simply perfect... just the type of girl i like. as for her voice... i dont think i can ever win an arguement against it.

it isnt a crush-in-first-sight. in fact i was quite negative when i know about her impending arrival. ppl will be biased, i will be biased. it will take a lot of effort to remain impartial and exercise equality... and indeed i was right. i know any outsiders reading the last few statements will be confused. it's okay, i'm not going to explain it further so just read on... anyway, i was saying, i'm looking beyond skin deep. it is her character and personality that really captivate me.

i thot i would fall someone with a personality that is totally different from me. i like the idea of having to disagree with her, share varying views and experiences, like different things, have different hobbies etc. i'm a curious cat and a master-jack (jack of all trade) wanna-be. i enjoy searching, analysing and learning about people and things. and so i thot someone with a different lifestyle and personality would be a tough mystery for me to solve and therefore constantly keeps me interested. apparantly, i am not quite right afterall. on the contrary, what i like about this girl is the many similarities we share.

her innocent and childish looks are her charm. but within her, i can sense an exceptionally level wit and intelligence. i'm saying this bcos sometimes she seems to be able to detect other people sentimental feeling and pain. i notice that she rmbs many things that i do and say, eventhough my interactions with her have been quite ordinary and superficial. i pretend not to notice as i thot it is mere conincidences. but it happens so many times that i can no longer ignore. it isnt just about me, i realise she is rather observant of the things most ppl prefer or do. once she took note of it or you told her so, she would rmb and act accordingly when the times call for it. sometimes, i wld make passing remarks in casual conversations. she astonished me on numerous occasions when she actually responded to those innocent remarks, sometimes days later. you might think these as nothing worth commending. personally, i sense the kindness in them and thot that these little acts of kindness are far more note-worthy than any other good personality traits. not many ppl are capable of it and more often than not, it's such kind touches that bring warmth to ppl.

i was really upset and worried when i 'made' her cry, twice. but she was very thotful and pushed all the blame on herself. she is so good at making people feel good about themselves. but i know for sure, i'm definitely not going to forget that i was the one who rub in the salt. i was really really sorry, still am. it hurts me so much to see woman cry. but for her own good, i wld still say it once more when i'm put in the same situation. not bcos i want to see her cry again, more bcos i can see that she is strong and able to turn it into positivity. she is emotionally fragile; but she is definitely strong mentally. but then again maybe i shouldnt have said it considering she has a tendency to be too hard on herself. argh... i told you b4 i've got conflicting personality liao la. nonetheless, her mental strength is impressive... "aim for the stars. even if you fall, it is unlikely to find yourself flat on the dirt track". but i'm worried she might cry everytime she falls. she is such a cry-baby, i dont know why i let out a grin when i wrote that statement. but she always make an effort to keep her tears out of sight until she is alone. She does cry a lot for someone who seems so happy and looks at the world positively everyday. i'm glad there is someone she can turn to at the end of the day.

she's a perfectionist (or just as ke-gao la)! she is the rare few ppl that doesnt (or maybe have not) do anything to irks me. perhaps it is her meticulous attention to details and feelings again, but i realise i nvr have to 'swear' under my breath at the things she does for me. i'm a perfectionist... some frens say i got some dont-know-what disoder. when it comes to personal stuffs, i'm quite particular with how they're done or nicely they conclude. and if they dont, i'll get really irritated, and sometimes i'll go as far as doing everything all over again, just sometimes. at work or with frens, i learnt to be less persistent if other ppl is doing it for me or with me. i have to be, given the nature of my work. i'm usually more patient with other ppl than myself so i'll just close one eye at some things. if i really dont like it, you'll see me rolling up my sleeve getting on the job myself. interestingly enough, when she is tasked to do something, she surprised me many times cos she will complete them the in way i would have without me having to say much or with little guidance. i also notice likeness in the way she does her own things. most ppl dont fall in the same frequency as mine. some think they do, but i think they are just being accommodating. from my observation, she doesnt seems to fall in this latter category, or so i hope.

she seems to love social life. her gracefulness allows her to make frens easily with all the ppl around. she seems curious about every new progress and new development. i have caught her many times covertly stretching her ear into other ppl conversations... maybe she is just being kay-po or perhaps showing real concern. regardless, i can see that quality friendship means a lot more to her than quantity.

... ...

in the midst of writing this, i'm also starting to rationalise my feelings. i always do that after things have happened. i was thinking, was it bcos... my life is lacking feminine touch for too long? but that doesnt explain why i didnt fall the one i saw almost every other day for 6 months last year. was it bcos... her personality is so much like my first crush? there are similarities, but both are unique and each is special in their own ways. it has been 10 years ago. the memories of her were sweet, but blurred, sadly. was it bcos... of the many similarities we share? i am the greatest mystery that i have yet to crack. my excitement to know more about myself could be the root of my feelings towards her. there're still so much more i wish to know about her. but haiz... she's leaving. i dont think our short whatever-ship will be the same again. was it bcos... was it bcos... am i thinking way too much? everytime i start my rationalising, i'll side-track further and begin to wonder if i'm really rationalising or am i just finding excuses for my actions or whatever. or am i just consoling myself for not able to bring this chance connection further into a stable friendship.

或许这只是一个昙花一现的邂逅...

charged

prior to getting my certification at the start of this year, i was at the 'down-est' time of life as a trainee onboard. something timely happened. it perked me up and reminded me of my place in life. this may not have been the life i always wanted. but now that i am in it, i am very clear with two things: i must accept my roles & responsibilities and i must never expect anything less than the best!

recently i have been experiencing a similar down-feeling i had at the start of the year, but this time in a different shoe. yet again, something happened so timely on thursday and i was totally psyched up once again! i didnt get much sleep that night nor did i had proper meals the next day. i was working, too hard perhaps and my body went into overrun state fuelled by adrenaline. i didnt realise how worn out i was until i took a nap which ended up as a deep 3hrs sleep.

ppl said i was crazy to be excited over such things. well, perhaps. they mocked me. well, so be it, i dont care. i'm a taurus man afterall. but truthfully, i just dont want to fail my principles in life (again) which i have held so dearly.

on a different note, the day ended very late and i only got home after midnight, but there was a pleasant ending to the day ^_^ it's simply amazing how such little episode, though short-live, can bring about so much warmth and smiles.

finally, a happy post!!!

grieving

the pain of losing my phone hit me real hard today... i was totally not in the mood to do anything.

so many precious memories and files were lost with my phone.

i should have read the sign when i lost the stylus. now that the whole phone is gone, it is a hard smack at the back of my head to wake up. i have been spending way too much time and money on late night-out recently. time to rethink and ask myself if this is the kind lifestyle i'm after?

(and of course there is one other 'pain' i'm getting from the lost phone. haiz...)

明天真的会更好吗？once again, i find myself no one to turn to... or maybe i cant.

this place seems to have become a dumping ground for all my sorrows... the feeling i get after reading the entries of the past two years is worst than walking on a bed of needles.

emo

i really dont know why i'm so reluctant to let my blog R.I.P.... despite the fact that i cant seem to express myself very well with words, both written and spoken.

i have so many thoughts in my head and i'm feeling so emotional right now... about my life and all those around me, past and present.

feeling so helpless that i cant seem to pen them down.

wrong place wrong time

you are perfect... if not for being attached and in the service.

was i too harsh today? i'm really sorry, at a personal level, to have made you cried.

argument

i hate to get myself involve. cos it's hard to keep my head cool and remain rational...

biathlon

tmr is judgment day.

dead reckoning

read a book recently and it mentioned that man seek power, money and woman.

really?

with great power comes great responsibility. for the case of my job it can be a matter of life and death of the ppl i work for, i work with and who work for me. and perhaps in some instances, ppl who cross my path in any way. any screw up on my part can leave these ppl or their love ones in great agony. at the moment, my circle of influence includes close to a hundred ppl; i dont know if i'm ready to expand the circle.

a close fren once told me: to make a devil out of any man, just gave him lotsa money and time. i cant agree with him more. of course money is not everything; but without money i'm nothing. i'm comfortable with my current lifestyle and the state at which my wealth is growing i.e. naturally, so i dont think i wld actively seek to increase its rate of growth. in fact i'm actually quite fearful of being rich. i can talk to professionals and come out with foolproof plan to use it or whatsoever but truthfully, i dont know if i'm ready and mature enough to handle all these richness and act accordingly as i've planned.

women are trouble. i'm already having a hard time handling the relationship between the two women in my life. i dont think i want to be emotionally attached to a third yet.

more than six months have passed and i still cldnt get a fix on where i'm heading. if these three things that men supposedly want, do not interest me (yet?) then, what is it i want?

loch ness monster

i must have been crazy to have agreed joining the singapore biathlon.

i remember telling myself after the ahm in 2002 that i'll never join any marathon (or even a half) again. well, technically i didnt break my word but... isnt singapore biathlon like double the challenge, especially since i was never a strong swimmer? omg... what have i got myself into?

no turning back now. the registration completed and fees paid.

now the challenge is to bring myself to train up so that i dont suffer on that day itself... especially in the swim.

1.5 km!!! 30 laps!!! stupid!!!

i dragged myself to the pool and did 10 laps today. it took almost 13 min. multiply that by 3 and give another 20% for fatigue on later laps and 20% for tidal stream... 55 min!!! my feet are really getting the cold.