what is this. the pain is so intense that it is burning in my throat. i usually get this feeling when my mum cried. but this time, it is due to my under-achievement, brought about by oockiness and pure lazyness. the same feeling, but different circumstances, as the time i failed my english in primary 3.
i thought i have made clear to myself (and everyone around) that this semester is not important as long as i passed everything and get my first class honours. but deep inside, the 'real' me is coaxing me onto a totally different path. two forces pulling me in two different directions. and the outcome is me being torn apart to the verge of breaking down when i saw how badly i have done in the exam.
the first class honours didnt cheer me up at all. i already know i will get it. it is just a matter of how well i will do. all these years i have keep a record of DN and HD in all of my core subject. and now, seeing two CRs in just one semester really have hurt me deep.
wtf, u might say. it is not that disastrous to get a CR or two. many others are praying hard just to pass the course. but i'm not them. with my record, ppl expects sth from me. the pain pierce right through my body as i fell from the sky-high expectations from myself and all of everyone else.
sometimes i ask why have i tried so hard building such a demanding track record? perhaps it might be easier being a nobody.
once again, i found myself with no one to turn to. have i brought this upon myself or is it just fate. in front of my family i always put on a brave front. i never like to share with them my bitter memories, just so that they have one less thing to worry about. in front of my friends, i never share my stories bcos they are... complicated. i wish i can share, but i think everyone will be happier not hearing them.
i'm sorry that you have to put up with all these bitching again. i hope i can try sth more light hearted next time.
i thought i have made clear to myself (and everyone around) that this semester is not important as long as i passed everything and get my first class honours. but deep inside, the 'real' me is coaxing me onto a totally different path. two forces pulling me in two different directions. and the outcome is me being torn apart to the verge of breaking down when i saw how badly i have done in the exam.
the first class honours didnt cheer me up at all. i already know i will get it. it is just a matter of how well i will do. all these years i have keep a record of DN and HD in all of my core subject. and now, seeing two CRs in just one semester really have hurt me deep.
wtf, u might say. it is not that disastrous to get a CR or two. many others are praying hard just to pass the course. but i'm not them. with my record, ppl expects sth from me. the pain pierce right through my body as i fell from the sky-high expectations from myself and all of everyone else.
sometimes i ask why have i tried so hard building such a demanding track record? perhaps it might be easier being a nobody.
once again, i found myself with no one to turn to. have i brought this upon myself or is it just fate. in front of my family i always put on a brave front. i never like to share with them my bitter memories, just so that they have one less thing to worry about. in front of my friends, i never share my stories bcos they are... complicated. i wish i can share, but i think everyone will be happier not hearing them.
i'm sorry that you have to put up with all these bitching again. i hope i can try sth more light hearted next time.
