role play

how many roles are you playing in your life?

a stranger on the street
a commuter in a train
a shopper in a mall
a colleague at the work place
a friend in a social meeting
a role-model to your protege
a sibling of your brother and sister
a child of your parent
a spouse to your marriage partner
a member of the family
... ...
...

i'm just an ordinary man, but i know how my life is intricately weaved with all those around me. i could have been a i-me-myself, lived my life the way i enjoy with no consideration to any one else, and reap all the benefits for none other than myself. i could get what i want in the end, but where is the joy knowing i would have to stand on top of a mountain of carcasses? i almost took this path. but soon i was able to see how my day-to-day behaviour and the choices i made affects all those around me. i became very caution with every decision i made. it wasnt about making everyone happy, somebody has to give and somebody have to take for a better tmr. my ultimate aim is a happily-ever-after even if it means putting me in the disadvantage. i'm no saint. i wont make myself bleed to death and i dont get it right all the time, but at least i'm trying.

merry christmas

fear

have i told you before that i lived in fear of being too happy?

i say it now: the gloomiest day in my life happened on days which i thot were worth calling for celebrations.

i would be in the middle of a joyous celebration when a phone call came to crush the occasion; or i was told a tragic news before i can share my gleeful encounter that happened earlier. perhaps they were mere coincidences. well, i could also be just damn bloody suay lah. whatever it maybe, i do think twice about having too much fun.

quote of the day

进不求名，退不避罪，唯人是保，利合于主

wanderer

a friend of mine made a comment in class which i felt very strongly:

you are not lost if you dont have an ultimate goal; you are merely wandering.

i think i am one.

looking ahead

many a time, i find myself not having any plan in mind.

what do i want to achieve in this phase of my life? what should i be doing to fulfil the dream? is there some one who can help me? am i keeping on track towards my goal? is there room for further improvement? what's next? how can the achievement be of use in my future endeavors? am i ready to try sth new?

these are qns i should have asked myself again and again.

well, come to think of it, i did. what i didnt do was to put an answer to each of them.

i have a rather complicated life, and this complication has somewhat disgusted me and put me off from planning my life. i go with the flow and tackle problems only when it comes. surprising, i have made quite an achievement by just 'going with the flow', as though it has been planned. you can be sure i am thankful for that.

i came in fourth in my course. it was a surprise, cos i wasnt making any deliberate effort to fight for the top positions. at the start of the course, we were told to set our goals. my past experience in mids had offered me an unique definition of the word 'performance' in saf, and therefore i had my reserve when i thot about striving for excellence. i just did my best, competing with not anyone eles but myself, like what i have been doing for the past few years in uni.

so indeed, the ranking came as a surprise. but it has also set me into thinking: am really that good? if so, should i spend some time to plan for my future? or should i stay contended with what i have and what im doing?