I began the climb up the mountain a year back. I know the journey is gg to be long & arduous but I was prepared for it.
in order to better myself, I took a pit stop for some training. I woke up one fine day, ten weeks later, only to realise a divine intervention brought me back to the foot again, but somewhere unfamiliar. now I'm expected to climb twice the height I last achieved in the shortest time possible, preferably within a month!
I plan to cruise thru my Dec; enjoy a great break, esp over Christmas, before starting 2011. but looking at my schedule today, I realised I'm so screwed. and coupled with recent unhappiness, I don't know if I cld pull thru the month unscath. how I wish I cld just gave up.
I'm sorry, I came back here with more sorrows. emo is not in my blood. it's just tt I'm really stressed out by the sudden influx of uncertainties in family, friendship & work.
ever since fb started, blogg and livejournal seems to have died off. no one talks about it any more. i'm not visiting my frens' sites as frequent as i used to be, and vice versa.
i just clicked through the links that i have, most of them died between 2008 and 2009, the sites i mean. those that are still up & running either have posts complaining about the lack of time or discipline to maintain the page. or like mine... the sites become a dumping ground for emotions that no one in our fren-list in fb wants to hear.
i never had new year resolution. but i have plan to start one for 2011. from now till the last day of 2010, i will slowly come up with a list of things i need to achieve for 2011. my first will be: i must rmb to post happy stuffs on my blogg!
why the change suddenly? was it bcos have i found my purpose in life? nope, not yet. but life still goes on. i have to keep my life running well and fruitful, so that it will be ready on the day i finally find the 'point of singularity'.
over the weekend, i was already upset enough over the lost of a friend. then when my mum told me that, i almost cried.
since i got home, she told me a lot about her past, for the first time. she started calling relatives we lost contact with for quite a while. this is very worrying.
i havent been a perfect son she wished i wld be.
sitting at the audit today, my thots ran wild...
it's not real freedom when u cut off tt string. a kite needs tt connection, however fine it maybe, to remain gracefully in flight. without it, she wld just b blown away, with an almost certain outcome...lost.
real freedom comes when u've proven competent to take over as e kite-flyer, of ur own kite. but don't wander too far off, cos it's almost time u help fly ur predecessor's.
why did i say u are so full of urself? if u didnt notice, u have a listening problem and in our usual conversation, it's usually i-me-myself coming from u. u told me your stories, your displeasure at work and your happy times with ur loves. i'm sincerely grateful for all that sharing. soon enough, i begin to open up. i dont usually do cos i felt vulnerable doing so. but your friendliness was very encouraging. i even began telling u stuffs i have never told anyone, perhaps only on my blogg. i'm thankful for the times u paid attention. but did u realise that there were many more times u didnt? usually when i was interrupted by someone, something or ur interject, i never got a chance to come back to my story. i left it dangling and u never did ask me to continue.
that night at butter, we lost everyone in bump and u followed me out. i said i wld send u home and then i wld head somewhere else, shanghai dolly, there after. i was caught off-guard when u said u wanted to join me. that was okay, we waited for the taxi and my intention was to bring u home anyway. the taxi came, i hop in but all of the sudden u decide not to get in. u said u want to go find C and he will send u home. okay... i got out of the taxi, hoping to talk things out with you.
i didnt really want to go shanghai dolly, it was just an excuse for me to chill off some place first before i make my way home. i didnt want the tragic that happen at home last friday to happen again. i even told u what happen; u are the only one who knew. u didnt take it. we talk so long along the river. i was on the verge of begging. my request was simply: let's not go back C, i'll send u home, so that the story can end there and then.
in the midst of our heated discussion, C called me but i refused to tell him where i was but i told him that i wld bring u home.
i really didnt want to see him. i dont want to explain why i refuse to tell him where we were. i dont want to explain why i dont want to share a cab with his fren heading to tampines. i knew there will be more explanation as to why i'm not planning to go home yet. i hate explanation. i dont wish to lie either.
everyone wear a mask. there's a side of me which i want to protect from everyone else. i get wasted and sometimes ppl see me do stupid stuffs. i am okay with that. my mask is not meant to cover my stupidity. i enjoy sharing my stupidity with ppl and enjoy a great laugh over it. my mask protect my family problems from most friends, especially my colleagues. C and gang were nvr more than just colleagues.
my mask protects my honour and pride. i came from a complicated family with an incomplete love. i fear to be seen weak, desperate and pathetic. so it's a mask of a gentleman-who-knows-how-to-have-crazy-fun that i put on. i dont mind my close frens peeping behind my mask, once in a while. i understand their concern, but i dont wish to burden them with my problem too. trust me, my problems are way beyond our generation to handle. but within my work space, i held tight to my mask and i staged my character with a lot of thought, so that i dont have to lie and yet protect my life. u broke the mask; u tore down my stage.
"I want to go shanghai dolly with u"
"I am very sleepy, I want to go home"
"I want to go see C now"
"are u gg to break our promise to send ME home?"
and your parting words... "dont do this to ME now"
why did u throw me to one corner and make me choose between my promise of sending u home and going back to C which will jeopardise the things i tried hard to conceal?
why is it just i-me-myself even after i pleaded naked without my mask on? it hurts. i'm glad u said i'm a "friend that matter", but why didnt i receive the treatment even an acquaintance deserve? as far as i recall, i have been quite a selfless person to all my frens, esp u. it was a simple request.
i dont know what u whispered to them when we were there, but u shld have heard the tone and seen the look of mistrust, is-he-drunk, what-the-fuck-is-this-guy-trying-to, that's-pathetic, from C, H and frens. i felt naked. but i smiled and swallowed my pride. i announced i wont be going back yet, but u came up to me, grab my arms and said "dont do this to ME now".
ouch... what have i not done enough???
ur parting words sliced me apart. sorry, i dont know how i can take drunk as an excuse. i also rmb hearing u said u arent drunk... so which is true? or just full of urself?
i tried to convince myself to forgive. i really dont wish for us to fell out just like that. i am very afraid i wld live to regret this day. but i also cant imagine how i can go out with u, C and H without feeling all shit ever again. am i being stupid? childish or egoistic?
thanks for the friendship, fun and joy. i truly treasured the time spent together, otherwise i wldnt have been so upset.
i'm hoping this spill can finally put my mind at ease...
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my ears were unusually warm the whole day.
i shldnt have, but i drove to ecp and walked for 2 hours hoping the sea breeze wld cool them.
i asked myself if i shld fill her in. i know it's unfair, but i realise it wldnt change my views, and others of me. so i chose not to.
could u ever separate them again once u add milk to tea?
i only slept for an hour since i got home. kept awake by sorrow.
i only fed on two pieces of bak kwa today. simply dont have the appetite to eat.
i thot an afternoon of series-chasing wld take my mind off. until smallville played this song in the background. someone up there does have a sense of humour.
and then my property agent came to my hse. why did she has to wear a blouse of that colour?
and then my mom showed me a packet of dried jasmine flower she bought this morning O.O
i tried to be fair and recount the incident again. i know she was piss drunk. she even kissed me, which i quickly and politely push away cos i really dont want to start on something both of us cant finish, at least not under that state of consciousness. she text me to say she was sorry. this is the first time she apologize. but it was under the pretext that she cldnt rmb what she did or say.
can i accept this?
i wld have. i dont mind the humble pie. but there are things i hold dear; things i fought hard to achieve; things i will die to protect. she put them in jeopardy. i really dont know how to forgive this.
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27 Nov 10, 0200-0530
butter
I think this is it.
I sent her this: 'I don't think u can register it nw, but when u do...
u are just so full of urself. This is the second time I'm so upset, & I guess it shld b the last. I told u five times tt I can't afford to go back nw & tt any explanation won't serve it's purpose. Good night & good bye.'
I apologie if u feel wtf after reading this... that i'm just being ridiculous.
I came tonight cos I was high & had no where else to go. But well, I must admit, upon hearing tt she was gg all beer tonight I was worried sick. I cared... perhaps I shldnt have.
U may think it was a bgr thing, but I was all good and surprisingly gentlemanly when Daniel & Collin hit on her. I even take on e blame frm tt ridiculous melvyn tang, which was really WTF, but anyway I suck it up & I was totally fine it. on e contrary, I felt bad & compelled to look after her as a fren... esp after she 'merlion'.
she told me her story at e Lobby last time. I didn't ask beyond what she wanted to say. I respect hers cos I had mine too. Today, I REQUESTED to keep mine down, many times. I was on the verge of begging and crying. But WTF, I felt totally betrayed.
Let me tell you a secret: NEVER in my life have I left myself so venerable. I thot I was ready for a soul mate... I told her stuff, but now... I'm left feeling completely miserable over her betrayal.
Perhaps I was selfish with tt request. But I have been selfless. Am I wrong to request for tt very one selfish moment? Fuck, yes I was.
I know she weren't quite urself. But so were anyone else around. So was i.
I don't think she rmb what I told her last night; cos she was drunk. But is this a valid excuse? I told her b4, when she was wide awake. I said, all the other 'angers' we had between us were merely teasings and I will only hate 2 types of ppl: liar & back-stabber; she was e latter.
She didn't seem bothered & she didn't care. Perhaps she nvr will. If she did, she wld have took note & wldnt have done wat she did last night. Just for the record, in some of our conversations, I purposely left it open... but she was nvr interested to close it.
Whatever.. this is not impt any more.
it is now 7am; I'm still sitting outside here since she left. if u wanna claim tt I'm drunk-blabbering, so be it.
I just wanna say thank you for the short-lived friendship. I'm seriously hurt & upset, for e second time. But trust me for once, this is ultimate.
it really hurt, but thanks & good bye.
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i wrote this on my mobile calender outside butter. it's a sweet and yet sorrow episode in my life which i dont quite see how i can ever recover from it. perhaps, this entry didnt really explain why, but it really hurts and i really dont know how i can forgive her.
if you are a fren, let's not talk about it when we met. perhaps a lesson learn for whoever is reading... i'm always friendly and easy-going to anyone, even acquaintance. i'm quite impressed with my level of tolerance too. once you are a friend, u have my trust. i'm sorry i cant be as open as i wld want to be. yes i have things to hide, but i mean you no harm. pls treasure the trust, cos it hurts so much to take it back.
dont ask me why the sudden urge to have this list... i dont have the answer either. and gosh... i came back almost every now and then to add to the list.
my brain is wired differently, so much so that sometimes i think i'm a self-contained-lunatic.
if i'm god, the first thing i wld do is to halve the world population... twice. just proving point #1.
i believe there is no right or wrong to everything... in fact, anything.
i always wanted an elder-sister.
when i was young, i hoped to be dad of three kids by the age of thirty and grandpa before 60. looking at the way things are going, nah... dont think this is happening.
i like girls but i will only tell one girl 'i love you'. the day i do so, is the day i know she is the one.
i can enjoy doing almost anything, so long as i'm hanging around with the right people.
i hate running. so i run very fast so that i can get it over and done with.
my vanity index: 10/10. this is what it would be if money is not an issue.
three greatest fear of my life (1) crying girl (2) creepy crawlers, esp cockroaches that fly (3) water... more like fear of drowning. i nicknamed them (1) uh-oh (2) 小强 (3) loch ness monster.
i hate to involve myself with anything considered popular. i'll wait for the fever to die down first before i pick it up.
my dream job was to be an architect.
i'm a perfectionist. i can do sth over and over again 100 times just to get it right once. i hate it but i love it too.
singing emo songs makes me happy. the more emo the better!
I have goals, both family & work. I know what I intend to achieve for my family; I understood where my career aspirations lie. I'm doing well at work. family matters maybe still a bit sticky. everything has been smooth sailing & appears to fall nicely in place. but whenever I ask myself where are all these leading to? I'm lost for word.
I'm still wandering.
I come to realise what I'm still lacking is a purpose. being such a geek, let's call this a point of singularity where all other stuffs just get suck in. it is a point where I can aligned all my actions; a point that makes everything seems so vivid. goals are merely tick-in-the-box if there is no purpose. I have enough of checking boxes... I need a purpose, one that wld allow me call my goals as milestones, that will pave the way to a ultimate end state I long for. is it too late to arrive at such self-realisation? shrugs. I'm glad I still got it in the end.
I set my goals & have been living my life based on a set of principles which I slowly acquired in my life, usually shaped by social stigma, cultural values & family traditions. things get done & accepted. everyone is happy. I am happy too but... I can't be sure if I'm happy tt I did sth I like or bcos everyone else is happy?
yuck...let's stop this here. this is getting a bit emo :p in a nut shell, what I am driving at is I need to find a purpose! I'm doing the bare minimum to get things done. I'm lacking the motivation & inspiration to make breakthroughs. and these have to come frm a sense of purpose! I really need to find one... real soon. anyone know how to go about getting one?
as for my love life, I have no idea where it is getting. don't worry, I'm not gay. I love to love & be loved. I just thot it isn't fair to drag someone into my mess until I'm relatively sorted. but e worrying thing is, I'm not very good at getting to conclusions, despite spending so much brain juices. i either hit dead-end or ended in a infinite loop. perhaps all these logics are wrong... shrugs again. nonetheless for now, I'll just remain passive. I wont seek for love actively, but I'm not going to run away, if love find its way to my heart.
enough lamenting for the day. i shld be focusing in class.
