closure

why did i say u are so full of urself? if u didnt notice, u have a listening problem and in our usual conversation, it's usually i-me-myself coming from u. u told me your stories, your displeasure at work and your happy times with ur loves. i'm sincerely grateful for all that sharing. soon enough, i begin to open up. i dont usually do cos i felt vulnerable doing so. but your friendliness was very encouraging. i even began telling u stuffs i have never told anyone, perhaps only on my blogg. i'm thankful for the times u paid attention. but did u realise that there were many more times u didnt? usually when i was interrupted by someone, something or ur interject, i never got a chance to come back to my story. i left it dangling and u never did ask me to continue.

that night at butter, we lost everyone in bump and u followed me out. i said i wld send u home and then i wld head somewhere else, shanghai dolly, there after. i was caught off-guard when u said u wanted to join me. that was okay, we waited for the taxi and my intention was to bring u home anyway. the taxi came, i hop in but all of the sudden u decide not to get in. u said u want to go find C and he will send u home. okay... i got out of the taxi, hoping to talk things out with you.

i didnt really want to go shanghai dolly, it was just an excuse for me to chill off some place first before i make my way home. i didnt want the tragic that happen at home last friday to happen again. i even told u what happen; u are the only one who knew. u didnt take it. we talk so long along the river. i was on the verge of begging. my request was simply: let's not go back C, i'll send u home, so that the story can end there and then.

in the midst of our heated discussion, C called me but i refused to tell him where i was but i told him that i wld bring u home.

i really didnt want to see him. i dont want to explain why i refuse to tell him where we were. i dont want to explain why i dont want to share a cab with his fren heading to tampines. i knew there will be more explanation as to why i'm not planning to go home yet. i hate explanation. i dont wish to lie either.

everyone wear a mask. there's a side of me which i want to protect from everyone else. i get wasted and sometimes ppl see me do stupid stuffs. i am okay with that. my mask is not meant to cover my stupidity. i enjoy sharing my stupidity with ppl and enjoy a great laugh over it. my mask protect my family problems from most friends, especially my colleagues. C and gang were nvr more than just colleagues.

my mask protects my honour and pride. i came from a complicated family with an incomplete love. i fear to be seen weak, desperate and pathetic. so it's a mask of a gentleman-who-knows-how-to-have-crazy-fun that i put on. i dont mind my close frens peeping behind my mask, once in a while. i understand their concern, but i dont wish to burden them with my problem too. trust me, my problems are way beyond our generation to handle. but within my work space, i held tight to my mask and i staged my character with a lot of thought, so that i dont have to lie and yet protect my life. u broke the mask; u tore down my stage.

"I want to go shanghai dolly with u"
"I am very sleepy, I want to go home"
"I want to go see C now"
"are u gg to break our promise to send ME home?"
and your parting words... "dont do this to ME now"

why did u throw me to one corner and make me choose between my promise of sending u home and going back to C which will jeopardise the things i tried hard to conceal?

why is it just i-me-myself even after i pleaded naked without my mask on? it hurts. i'm glad u said i'm a "friend that matter", but why didnt i receive the treatment even an acquaintance deserve? as far as i recall, i have been quite a selfless person to all my frens, esp u. it was a simple request.

i dont know what u whispered to them when we were there, but u shld have heard the tone and seen the look of mistrust, is-he-drunk, what-the-fuck-is-this-guy-trying-to, that's-pathetic, from C, H and frens. i felt naked. but i smiled and swallowed my pride. i announced i wont be going back yet, but u came up to me, grab my arms and said "dont do this to ME now".

ouch... what have i not done enough???

ur parting words sliced me apart. sorry, i dont know how i can take drunk as an excuse. i also rmb hearing u said u arent drunk... so which is true? or just full of urself?

i tried to convince myself to forgive. i really dont wish for us to fell out just like that. i am very afraid i wld live to regret this day. but i also cant imagine how i can go out with u, C and H without feeling all shit ever again. am i being stupid? childish or egoistic?

thanks for the friendship, fun and joy. i truly treasured the time spent together, otherwise i wldnt have been so upset.

i'm hoping this spill can finally put my mind at ease...


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my ears were unusually warm the whole day.

i shldnt have, but i drove to ecp and walked for 2 hours hoping the sea breeze wld cool them.

i asked myself if i shld fill her in. i know it's unfair, but i realise it wldnt change my views, and others of me. so i chose not to.

could u ever separate them again once u add milk to tea?

let this be the last day of my dejectedness.