i havent felt like this for many years. i have a crush on this girl, whom i know for a short period of 2 months. unfortunately the circumstances do not allow me to tell her about my feelings or bring this further. i am writing this down, cos i dont want to forget this warm and yet fuzzy feeling. neither do i want the memories to fade with time. i dont think i'll be able to account this very accurately or beautifully. but i'll try my best. at the very least, i want to tell the future me reading this that there is this one time my heart has fallen... for a right person, but at the wrong time and wrong place.
i had a good first impression of her. she isnt exceptionally beautiful. i'm not really into beautiful girls. in fact, i thot of pretty girls as possible death traps of unhappiness (haha!). i like her simplicity. she is pleasant, more perhaps. i dont think i'll ever get sick of looking at her. her petite size, long hair, double eye lids, general physique and not forgetting her smile, are simply perfect... just the type of girl i like. as for her voice... i dont think i can ever win an arguement against it.
it isnt a crush-in-first-sight. in fact i was quite negative when i know about her impending arrival. ppl will be biased, i will be biased. it will take a lot of effort to remain impartial and exercise equality... and indeed i was right. i know any outsiders reading the last few statements will be confused. it's okay, i'm not going to explain it further so just read on... anyway, i was saying, i'm looking beyond skin deep. it is her character and personality that really captivate me.
i thot i would fall someone with a personality that is totally different from me. i like the idea of having to disagree with her, share varying views and experiences, like different things, have different hobbies etc. i'm a curious cat and a master-jack (jack of all trade) wanna-be. i enjoy searching, analysing and learning about people and things. and so i thot someone with a different lifestyle and personality would be a tough mystery for me to solve and therefore constantly keeps me interested. apparantly, i am not quite right afterall. on the contrary, what i like about this girl is the many similarities we share.
her innocent and childish looks are her charm. but within her, i can sense an exceptionally level wit and intelligence. i'm saying this bcos sometimes she seems to be able to detect other people sentimental feeling and pain. i notice that she rmbs many things that i do and say, eventhough my interactions with her have been quite ordinary and superficial. i pretend not to notice as i thot it is mere conincidences. but it happens so many times that i can no longer ignore. it isnt just about me, i realise she is rather observant of the things most ppl prefer or do. once she took note of it or you told her so, she would rmb and act accordingly when the times call for it. sometimes, i wld make passing remarks in casual conversations. she astonished me on numerous occasions when she actually responded to those innocent remarks, sometimes days later. you might think these as nothing worth commending. personally, i sense the kindness in them and thot that these little acts of kindness are far more note-worthy than any other good personality traits. not many ppl are capable of it and more often than not, it's such kind touches that bring warmth to ppl.
i was really upset and worried when i 'made' her cry, twice. but she was very thotful and pushed all the blame on herself. she is so good at making people feel good about themselves. but i know for sure, i'm definitely not going to forget that i was the one who rub in the salt. i was really really sorry, still am. it hurts me so much to see woman cry. but for her own good, i wld still say it once more when i'm put in the same situation. not bcos i want to see her cry again, more bcos i can see that she is strong and able to turn it into positivity. she is emotionally fragile; but she is definitely strong mentally. but then again maybe i shouldnt have said it considering she has a tendency to be too hard on herself. argh... i told you b4 i've got conflicting personality liao la. nonetheless, her mental strength is impressive... "aim for the stars. even if you fall, it is unlikely to find yourself flat on the dirt track". but i'm worried she might cry everytime she falls. she is such a cry-baby, i dont know why i let out a grin when i wrote that statement. but she always make an effort to keep her tears out of sight until she is alone. She does cry a lot for someone who seems so happy and looks at the world positively everyday. i'm glad there is someone she can turn to at the end of the day.
she's a perfectionist (or just as ke-gao la)! she is the rare few ppl that doesnt (or maybe have not) do anything to irks me. perhaps it is her meticulous attention to details and feelings again, but i realise i nvr have to 'swear' under my breath at the things she does for me. i'm a perfectionist... some frens say i got some dont-know-what disoder. when it comes to personal stuffs, i'm quite particular with how they're done or nicely they conclude. and if they dont, i'll get really irritated, and sometimes i'll go as far as doing everything all over again, just sometimes. at work or with frens, i learnt to be less persistent if other ppl is doing it for me or with me. i have to be, given the nature of my work. i'm usually more patient with other ppl than myself so i'll just close one eye at some things. if i really dont like it, you'll see me rolling up my sleeve getting on the job myself. interestingly enough, when she is tasked to do something, she surprised me many times cos she will complete them the in way i would have without me having to say much or with little guidance. i also notice likeness in the way she does her own things. most ppl dont fall in the same frequency as mine. some think they do, but i think they are just being accommodating. from my observation, she doesnt seems to fall in this latter category, or so i hope.
she seems to love social life. her gracefulness allows her to make frens easily with all the ppl around. she seems curious about every new progress and new development. i have caught her many times covertly stretching her ear into other ppl conversations... maybe she is just being kay-po or perhaps showing real concern. regardless, i can see that quality friendship means a lot more to her than quantity.
... ...
in the midst of writing this, i'm also starting to rationalise my feelings. i always do that after things have happened. i was thinking, was it bcos... my life is lacking feminine touch for too long? but that doesnt explain why i didnt fall the one i saw almost every other day for 6 months last year. was it bcos... her personality is so much like my first crush? there are similarities, but both are unique and each is special in their own ways. it has been 10 years ago. the memories of her were sweet, but blurred, sadly. was it bcos... of the many similarities we share? i am the greatest mystery that i have yet to crack. my excitement to know more about myself could be the root of my feelings towards her. there're still so much more i wish to know about her. but haiz... she's leaving. i dont think our short whatever-ship will be the same again. was it bcos... was it bcos... am i thinking way too much? everytime i start my rationalising, i'll side-track further and begin to wonder if i'm really rationalising or am i just finding excuses for my actions or whatever. or am i just consoling myself for not able to bring this chance connection further into a stable friendship.
或许这只是一个昙花一现的邂逅...
i had a good first impression of her. she isnt exceptionally beautiful. i'm not really into beautiful girls. in fact, i thot of pretty girls as possible death traps of unhappiness (haha!). i like her simplicity. she is pleasant, more perhaps. i dont think i'll ever get sick of looking at her. her petite size, long hair, double eye lids, general physique and not forgetting her smile, are simply perfect... just the type of girl i like. as for her voice... i dont think i can ever win an arguement against it.
it isnt a crush-in-first-sight. in fact i was quite negative when i know about her impending arrival. ppl will be biased, i will be biased. it will take a lot of effort to remain impartial and exercise equality... and indeed i was right. i know any outsiders reading the last few statements will be confused. it's okay, i'm not going to explain it further so just read on... anyway, i was saying, i'm looking beyond skin deep. it is her character and personality that really captivate me.
i thot i would fall someone with a personality that is totally different from me. i like the idea of having to disagree with her, share varying views and experiences, like different things, have different hobbies etc. i'm a curious cat and a master-jack (jack of all trade) wanna-be. i enjoy searching, analysing and learning about people and things. and so i thot someone with a different lifestyle and personality would be a tough mystery for me to solve and therefore constantly keeps me interested. apparantly, i am not quite right afterall. on the contrary, what i like about this girl is the many similarities we share.
her innocent and childish looks are her charm. but within her, i can sense an exceptionally level wit and intelligence. i'm saying this bcos sometimes she seems to be able to detect other people sentimental feeling and pain. i notice that she rmbs many things that i do and say, eventhough my interactions with her have been quite ordinary and superficial. i pretend not to notice as i thot it is mere conincidences. but it happens so many times that i can no longer ignore. it isnt just about me, i realise she is rather observant of the things most ppl prefer or do. once she took note of it or you told her so, she would rmb and act accordingly when the times call for it. sometimes, i wld make passing remarks in casual conversations. she astonished me on numerous occasions when she actually responded to those innocent remarks, sometimes days later. you might think these as nothing worth commending. personally, i sense the kindness in them and thot that these little acts of kindness are far more note-worthy than any other good personality traits. not many ppl are capable of it and more often than not, it's such kind touches that bring warmth to ppl.
i was really upset and worried when i 'made' her cry, twice. but she was very thotful and pushed all the blame on herself. she is so good at making people feel good about themselves. but i know for sure, i'm definitely not going to forget that i was the one who rub in the salt. i was really really sorry, still am. it hurts me so much to see woman cry. but for her own good, i wld still say it once more when i'm put in the same situation. not bcos i want to see her cry again, more bcos i can see that she is strong and able to turn it into positivity. she is emotionally fragile; but she is definitely strong mentally. but then again maybe i shouldnt have said it considering she has a tendency to be too hard on herself. argh... i told you b4 i've got conflicting personality liao la. nonetheless, her mental strength is impressive... "aim for the stars. even if you fall, it is unlikely to find yourself flat on the dirt track". but i'm worried she might cry everytime she falls. she is such a cry-baby, i dont know why i let out a grin when i wrote that statement. but she always make an effort to keep her tears out of sight until she is alone. She does cry a lot for someone who seems so happy and looks at the world positively everyday. i'm glad there is someone she can turn to at the end of the day.
she's a perfectionist (or just as ke-gao la)! she is the rare few ppl that doesnt (or maybe have not) do anything to irks me. perhaps it is her meticulous attention to details and feelings again, but i realise i nvr have to 'swear' under my breath at the things she does for me. i'm a perfectionist... some frens say i got some dont-know-what disoder. when it comes to personal stuffs, i'm quite particular with how they're done or nicely they conclude. and if they dont, i'll get really irritated, and sometimes i'll go as far as doing everything all over again, just sometimes. at work or with frens, i learnt to be less persistent if other ppl is doing it for me or with me. i have to be, given the nature of my work. i'm usually more patient with other ppl than myself so i'll just close one eye at some things. if i really dont like it, you'll see me rolling up my sleeve getting on the job myself. interestingly enough, when she is tasked to do something, she surprised me many times cos she will complete them the in way i would have without me having to say much or with little guidance. i also notice likeness in the way she does her own things. most ppl dont fall in the same frequency as mine. some think they do, but i think they are just being accommodating. from my observation, she doesnt seems to fall in this latter category, or so i hope.
she seems to love social life. her gracefulness allows her to make frens easily with all the ppl around. she seems curious about every new progress and new development. i have caught her many times covertly stretching her ear into other ppl conversations... maybe she is just being kay-po or perhaps showing real concern. regardless, i can see that quality friendship means a lot more to her than quantity.
... ...
in the midst of writing this, i'm also starting to rationalise my feelings. i always do that after things have happened. i was thinking, was it bcos... my life is lacking feminine touch for too long? but that doesnt explain why i didnt fall the one i saw almost every other day for 6 months last year. was it bcos... her personality is so much like my first crush? there are similarities, but both are unique and each is special in their own ways. it has been 10 years ago. the memories of her were sweet, but blurred, sadly. was it bcos... of the many similarities we share? i am the greatest mystery that i have yet to crack. my excitement to know more about myself could be the root of my feelings towards her. there're still so much more i wish to know about her. but haiz... she's leaving. i dont think our short whatever-ship will be the same again. was it bcos... was it bcos... am i thinking way too much? everytime i start my rationalising, i'll side-track further and begin to wonder if i'm really rationalising or am i just finding excuses for my actions or whatever. or am i just consoling myself for not able to bring this chance connection further into a stable friendship.
或许这只是一个昙花一现的邂逅...
1 comment:
on different note... i cant believe i spent so much time and wrote so much. this has got to be the longest entry i ever published.
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