role play

how many roles are you playing in your life?

a stranger on the street
a commuter in a train
a shopper in a mall
a colleague at the work place
a friend in a social meeting
a role-model to your protege
a sibling of your brother and sister
a child of your parent
a spouse to your marriage partner
a member of the family
... ...
...

i'm just an ordinary man, but i know how my life is intricately weaved with all those around me. i could have been a i-me-myself, lived my life the way i enjoy with no consideration to any one else, and reap all the benefits for none other than myself. i could get what i want in the end, but where is the joy knowing i would have to stand on top of a mountain of carcasses? i almost took this path. but soon i was able to see how my day-to-day behaviour and the choices i made affects all those around me. i became very caution with every decision i made. it wasnt about making everyone happy, somebody has to give and somebody have to take for a better tmr. my ultimate aim is a happily-ever-after even if it means putting me in the disadvantage. i'm no saint. i wont make myself bleed to death and i dont get it right all the time, but at least i'm trying.

merry christmas

fear

have i told you before that i lived in fear of being too happy?

i say it now: the gloomiest day in my life happened on days which i thot were worth calling for celebrations.

i would be in the middle of a joyous celebration when a phone call came to crush the occasion; or i was told a tragic news before i can share my gleeful encounter that happened earlier. perhaps they were mere coincidences. well, i could also be just damn bloody suay lah. whatever it maybe, i do think twice about having too much fun.

quote of the day

进不求名，退不避罪，唯人是保，利合于主

wanderer

a friend of mine made a comment in class which i felt very strongly:

you are not lost if you dont have an ultimate goal; you are merely wandering.

i think i am one.

looking ahead

many a time, i find myself not having any plan in mind.

what do i want to achieve in this phase of my life? what should i be doing to fulfil the dream? is there some one who can help me? am i keeping on track towards my goal? is there room for further improvement? what's next? how can the achievement be of use in my future endeavors? am i ready to try sth new?

these are qns i should have asked myself again and again.

well, come to think of it, i did. what i didnt do was to put an answer to each of them.

i have a rather complicated life, and this complication has somewhat disgusted me and put me off from planning my life. i go with the flow and tackle problems only when it comes. surprising, i have made quite an achievement by just 'going with the flow', as though it has been planned. you can be sure i am thankful for that.

i came in fourth in my course. it was a surprise, cos i wasnt making any deliberate effort to fight for the top positions. at the start of the course, we were told to set our goals. my past experience in mids had offered me an unique definition of the word 'performance' in saf, and therefore i had my reserve when i thot about striving for excellence. i just did my best, competing with not anyone eles but myself, like what i have been doing for the past few years in uni.

so indeed, the ranking came as a surprise. but it has also set me into thinking: am really that good? if so, should i spend some time to plan for my future? or should i stay contended with what i have and what im doing?

stumble and fall

what is this. the pain is so intense that it is burning in my throat. i usually get this feeling when my mum cried. but this time, it is due to my under-achievement, brought about by oockiness and pure lazyness. the same feeling, but different circumstances, as the time i failed my english in primary 3.

i thought i have made clear to myself (and everyone around) that this semester is not important as long as i passed everything and get my first class honours. but deep inside, the 'real' me is coaxing me onto a totally different path. two forces pulling me in two different directions. and the outcome is me being torn apart to the verge of breaking down when i saw how badly i have done in the exam.

the first class honours didnt cheer me up at all. i already know i will get it. it is just a matter of how well i will do. all these years i have keep a record of DN and HD in all of my core subject. and now, seeing two CRs in just one semester really have hurt me deep.

wtf, u might say. it is not that disastrous to get a CR or two. many others are praying hard just to pass the course. but i'm not them. with my record, ppl expects sth from me. the pain pierce right through my body as i fell from the sky-high expectations from myself and all of everyone else.

sometimes i ask why have i tried so hard building such a demanding track record? perhaps it might be easier being a nobody.

once again, i found myself with no one to turn to. have i brought this upon myself or is it just fate. in front of my family i always put on a brave front. i never like to share with them my bitter memories, just so that they have one less thing to worry about. in front of my friends, i never share my stories bcos they are... complicated. i wish i can share, but i think everyone will be happier not hearing them.

i'm sorry that you have to put up with all these bitching again. i hope i can try sth more light hearted next time.

moving on

there arent a lot of things to settle. they are just tedious to get done. so much so that i just dont feel like doing it.

demon jay zodiac

i was never a fan of jay (and still isnt), particularly in the earlier years when 忍者, 双节棍 and 龙拳 were popular. then, i thought i'll never find his songs in my frequently-played playlist. but now i think i'm being 'held captive' by three seriously-catchy songs from his latest album: 流浪诗人, 乔克叔叔 and 稻香.

gdi.

to-do-list

1. book accomodation at blue mountain and canberra
2. sell all my oakley sunnies on ebay (check it out!)
3. pack my room
4. arrange for removals
5. get new specs
6. get new orthotics
7. book dental appointment
8. prepare post-course report
9. post-out form

wrapping up

i cant say i have put in 100% this session. well, i didnt intend to since i already have my first class in the bag. all i was looking for was a well-deserved rest and some time to prepare for the next chapter of my life.

during these four and half years, i had my fair share of joy, freedom and life experiences. just two more check points to go before i conclude my time here in the wonderland. the time has come for me to wrap things up and pay back what i have been granted and bestowed. some can be repaid; other will need lots of patience and time.