life has taken its toll on me

my body trembles and my head hurts every time they start to scream at each other. after all these years, i thought i would be used to it by now. but no.

how i wish i can make them see what i'm seeing...

the alcohol and the attitude are the fucking problem.

call me a chicken. i dont care. i have ran away many times and buried my head deep beneath, hoping that ignorance would have the solution. it never did.

how i wish...

lost again

it's weird feeling i'm getting.

i dont know why i keep doing the thing i'm doing, knowing very well in mind it will bring me nothing but despair at the end.

way ahead

last updated on 26 Feb 11

Jan - r2,1                                       haiz... not good enough
Feb - biathlon                               what a race... simply love it!
Mar - golf PC                               done!
Apr - new desktop                        laptop does the trick too
May - dive sipadan                       dive moalboal
Jun - IPPT gold                             $$
Jul - Taiwan                                  rain check. the new house took up quite far bit of time and effort
Aug - hybrid bike... or real bike?  rain check
Sep - dive komodo                       dive malapascua
Oct - learn caligraphy                   rain check
Nov - Bangkok... bagpack?           rain check
Dec - chill... NoEE chalet? o.O     rain check

was that a test? a joke? or a mockery?

i'm standing my life on a thin sheet of ice just above the freezing lake.

this is definitely not wise... but why am i still allowing it to stand there?


---------------------------------

23 Jan 11
it seems that every decisions i made since the start of dec are so freaking wrong!

:(

december

omg... what a happening month!

向左 向右 向前看

我爱的人，不是我的爱人。

爱我的人，是别人的爱人。

broken

totally.


------------------------

how does one know he is heading the right direction?

the lobby

i was there. alone.

but i had a lot of realisation, about she, her and stuff.

she was great, best ever. i dont think i can change she; i can only support she in wherever i can. i'm sorry to say this, but she is every thing i dont want to be either.

with this realisation, i took the initiative, and make up the differences with her. i have not receive her forgiveness yet, but i tried my best to dissolve the grudges between us. i hope i did.

the stuff was nvr a problem... all i need was a peace of mind. despite not being able to concentrate over the past few days, i was glad there were ripples in my life. i never like stuff.


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3 Dec 10
0800

this is puzzling... she still get why i was so damn upset the other day.

soledad

I began the climb up the mountain a year back. I know the journey is gg to be long & arduous but I was prepared for it.

in order to better myself, I took a pit stop for some training. I woke up one fine day, ten weeks later, only to realise a divine intervention brought me back to the foot again, but somewhere unfamiliar. now I'm expected to climb twice the height I last achieved in the shortest time possible, preferably within a month!

I plan to cruise thru my Dec; enjoy a great break, esp over Christmas, before starting 2011. but looking at my schedule today, I realised I'm so screwed. and coupled with recent unhappiness, I don't know if I cld pull thru the month unscath. how I wish I cld just gave up.

I'm sorry, I came back here with more sorrows. emo is not in my blood. it's just tt I'm really stressed out by the sudden influx of uncertainties in family, friendship & work.

我想 我等 我期待

ever since fb started, blogg and livejournal seems to have died off. no one talks about it any more. i'm not visiting my frens' sites as frequent as i used to be, and vice versa.

i just clicked through the links that i have, most of them died between 2008 and 2009, the sites i mean. those that are still up & running either have posts complaining about the lack of time or discipline to maintain the page. or like mine... the sites become a dumping ground for emotions that no one in our fren-list in fb wants to hear.

i never had new year resolution. but i have plan to start one for 2011. from now till the last day of 2010, i will slowly come up with a list of things i need to achieve for 2011. my first will be: i must rmb to post happy stuffs on my blogg!

why the change suddenly? was it bcos have i found my purpose in life? nope, not yet. but life still goes on. i have to keep my life running well and fruitful, so that it will be ready on the day i finally find the 'point of singularity'.